Oh well....

Oh well........ days go on.... tests come by.... results come red.... life goes away....

Today, i really don't know why..... but the first half of the day was quite moody for me.... maybe i just couldn't get over what i thought about yesterday..... but i didn't want to show it.... so I answered almost everyone's call.... hopefully that I'll eventually subside my thoughts and proceed...... hell.... it didn't work.... people started asking me why this why that..... and some of them were like I'm not myself today.... oh well.... i guess it is still very hard to conceal emotions........ but honestly... i was down... knocked back by the instincts... struck down by the ideas.... pushed aside by the thoughts....i just cannot get my mind of it....

then.... the CT2 for chemistry was up.... and i consider myself fully prepared for it...... i stepped into the hall and went straight to finding a place to settle down..... i wanted a spot for me to be able to really settle down and re-evaluate everything.... so i decided to move to the back.... and.... even if there was a place to settle there.... it would've been really tough to empty my thoughts over there because _____ was near there.... so since i didn't have a place to sit anyway... I've decided to move all the way to the front.... where i found myself sitting at the front most seat.... soon after... the test started...

unknowingly later.... and it was all over.... it was not difficult... thankfully.... and when i came out... i felt different.... it felt as if the thoughts have finally subsided for real.... i really don't know how..... but i felt lifted.... and that feeling itself was great.... maybe... sometimes i should spend time with myself.... evaluating situations.... and give myself some time to break off from thoughts that depresses me.... it helped..... i managed to start talking even when ____ was nearby.......... i went for LAN class later.... and it felt a whole lot better.....

Okay.... let me talk more about Michelle in this post.... just some things or 2.... hope you don't mind..... and for the others.... don't get the wrong idea....(NOTE: only for the others) haha....

so..... many left the LAN lecture theater early... leaving a small group of us there.... they were.... Michelle, Ernest, Rohit, Siew Yung, Vincent, Sean and me...... Vincent was on a weird frenzy..... disturbing Siew Yung almost every 5 seconds..... how hilarious it was.... then Michelle came over and started whacking Vincent.... and Vincent was like why you hit me?....Mich said you're so go**amn annoying.... and started whacking Vincent many times....Vincent was like... i didn't disturb you also... and Michelle said Siew Yung is my friend... then Ernest went over and blocked Michelle from whacking Vincent and she was like what are you doing? and Ernest said... Vincent is my friend.... haha... it was seriously hilarious.... you should've seen the drama....so since it was still early.... we decided to go to AC to spend the rest of the time.... where later Rohit voiced for us to go to the cafeteria... and we went.... guess what... some weird thing was happening in the cafeteria today... there was mixed rice and many people lining up for it... and Michelle and gang decided to go to AC..... so we walked out.... and Ernest starting asking me about some place and I identified it as a place from Terengganu but he denied it... so we decided to ask Michelle who was right behind us....

And yep Michelle said it was in Terengganu.... then Ernest starting talking about something off.... you don't wanna know what that was.....so we walked right up to the gate... when Michelle said.... why not go straight to class.... and we were like wa?... and she proposed that we sit outside the class to wait... so we walked all the way back... and guess what... the class was empty all these while.... =.=

then.... Rohit starting spinning on his fingers the drawer of the table.... and I thought it was really difficult..... but according to him... nah.... easy but heavy...then.... the moment arrived.....Michelle said something written on one of the table's drawers... and read it out loud... OMG i tell you.... if you didn't know she was reading it... you would've gone like MICHELLE??? OMG!!!!! WTF........ what was mentioned shall be a secret only the few of us know.... don't ask for it... =P....gosh I will remember that moment for a lifetime... haha.... seriously was hilarious.... since I don't really know much about Michelle.... that was a shock at first lol...... maybe i should get to know her better... and many others too.... damn... talking about this.....

Talking about this..... it has brought me to another standstill.... this has been something I've been thinking of quite some time ago and wish to ask your opinions.... you see... even though we're called the S9 class.... there is a VERY obvious grouping in the class.... although we do sit in the same room and sometimes when wanting to ask for request for something we do consult the person..... there was never an initiative to get to know each other deeply.... let me roughly tell the groups... first group would be the Michelle gang.... with members... Ernest, Rohit, Vincent, Siew Yung and Masyitah..... second group is the Jia Shen group... consisting of members.... Shereena, Teck Wei, Wei Ping, Audrey..... third group is the dunno who's group consisting of Felix, Wei Xiang, Chee Xun, Jimmy, Xeng Huei, Yong Shen, and Ken...... there is also the stand alones.... Shem, Pavi, Momo, Yuvy, Brandon (though mostly with Michelle gang)........ i really don't know.... why is there this boundary one has to cross to get to know another?....... why is it that these groups always separate and go their own ways whenever we have free time.... why is it so difficult to get to know someone just because you're not from the same gang?....I don't consider myself as a member of any gangs.... I was from Jia Shen's group.... and probably still is... but... it is not that i wanna detach but i really wish that these groups can get together....

Why is it that whenever i wanna get to know lets say Jia Shen group.... and then i am forced to forgo the others.... and when i try to get close to Michelle's gang.... i feel like I'm forgo-ing Jia Shen's group... and this is only and example of the 2 groups.... Why is it that to want something, you'll always have to forgo another?.... Why is it that every time I am with Michelle's gang I feel like i'm guilty for not joining Jia Shen's group? and why is it that every time i follow Jia Shen's group... i cannot get to know Michelle and gang better?....... why is there this boundary.... WHY?........why is it that to get to know Ernest better... I've lost the the get to know Teck Wei.... and why is it that when i'm trying to get to know Vincent.... I've lost the get to know Shereena.... and WHY... when i wanna get to know Michelle better... I've lost the get to know Jia Shen?....... Why?.....let me tell you honestly.... i really wish to get to know Michelle's gang better.... but at the same time... i do not want Jia Shen's group to feel like I'm betraying them.... but HOW?....... Why is there this restriction..... why is there this rule?.... Why is it so difficult to get close to Michelle and gang... why is it so difficult to do this... why is it so difficult to do that.....I really dunno what to do..... sometimes i feel....... and think of it this way.... when you gain something you'll lose something else.... but when you lose something.... you really don't gain anything back....i just don't understand.... it is wrong for me to get to know Michelle?.... is it wrong for me to get to know Ernest?.... is it wrong for me to still continue the friendship i have with Jia Shen at the same time?... Is it so difficult for me to continue what i am doing? Why.... Why..... WHY???..... damn this sh**.... what the hell is this.......

When we just started in college..... there wasn't this gang that group thingy..... there wasn't this I am here and you are there theory.... and we all didn't know much about each other.... fine... that was understandable.....but why.....getting to know others from my class is so difficult?.... why is it so difficult for others to open themselves to you?...... to express themselves and not feel like a stranger or someone just in college and in the same class........to share problems like true friends.... to discuss things that are dear to you.... to share whatever you know and whatever you want to do..... to know the other person better... to get to know the other person not only from the outside but from the inside.... to be someone important in another person's college life....every time i think of this.... it seriously brings upon my tears.... literally.... i just can't understand.... why is it that whenever i try to get close to Michelle.... there is some kind of prejudice... why is it that when i'm trying to get close to Vincent... there is a feeling of guilt... why is it that when i am spending time with Jia Shen or Shereena....i feel like i'm shutting myself down.... and really not being who i am?....... i dunno.... its just..... bah i really don't get it at all....

Maybe it is me.... maybe it was I who didn't take the initiative in the first place... maybe it was I who is the brat... or maybe... it is I who caused this...... maybe even.... is it because of me that this is all happening?..... Maybe i really should go like how i did in during the CT2.... maybe i should give some time to myself..... maybe i should give some time to others.... maybe if i didn't bother much it would've been better for others.....maybe.....the very reason why the groups don't get together is because I am in between....

Why is it that it is so simple for some people and so difficult for the others?.... Why is it that Michelle is always the one that things always revolve around?......... why is it that whenever someone else feels terrible i feel the same?...... why is it that we are not taking any sort of initiative to know one another? why is that Michelle is normally the one who gets around?.... questions... always questions..... that i try to answer every time and have never succeeded to.....

probably I'm deeply affected by the coming tests, assignments and others.... or maybe I'm thinking too much... or maybe I'm asking for too much.... i can't tell.... Michelle, offer me the advises you promised to give..... I think i'm in need of it...... everyone.... can someone answer me?...... Michelle? Rohit? Ernest? Vincent? Jia Shen? anyone?