And why... am I... like this?.... This question flies through my head over and over again.... Why is it that I can't feel what I'm feeling?... Why is it that i can't control what I'm supposed to control?...hmm..... and why... am I... like this?
Its weird.... after years of experience... I realized that i can't feel what I'm feeling... I know it sounds stupid but its true... I will react to something when i feel something... and from there... i truly know what I'm feeling... why is it like this?... that question probably will never be answered... no idea why... and will never know why...
Funny part is... whenever someone feels something.... and I can feel this feeling... I literally feel the same on whatever he/she is feeling.... like a feeling copier.... again no idea why... but uncontrollable either....e.g. when someone is sad for real and i know it... I'll be involuntarily sad....If someone goes around like a happy person... and i know it... I'll somehow be happy too..... kinda weird... but through experience... it is true...however... this is also a major problem for me...
when someone is sad or feels down... I feel down too... and this obviously does not help the other person... its not that i want to be like this but i can't control it... if someone is down... especially someone I'm close to... I'll be down... cheering someone up is something I'll have to learn if I am to want to be someone's dear friend as well... its also the reason why... when someone smiles and is really happy whenever he/she talks... I somehow feel lifted and happy too...
This now brings me to the other part... where if I fail to experience the same feeling as the other person... the person is faking the feelings...some people pretend to be happy and go around but deep inside is either tired, problemated, or simply something is bothering the person... and normally i can feel that...problem is... even though i know about it... I know very well i can't share this with the others as it will be very inconsiderate of me to the person but yet I feel down too as a result.... what is this... simply out of my understandings....with this, I normally know when someone is troubled... or something is bothering them... yet... I myself am affected by it... and I fail to do anything special...this probably is the very reason why i always feel down.... because when others are down I'm down and i really fail to do anything helpful to the other person... what the hell is wrong with me...and what is the point of knowing someone's feelings and yet is powerless to do anything you want to do about it? it also happens when I want to talk to someone... yet it holds me back... I really can't and am unwilling to make another person feel like I'm disrupting them... I... just can't... will try to fix this to... as I've learnt... one can never satisfy everyone... as much as i try to do so... whenever needed to... sorry... but I have to do it....sorry...
This is something I'll have to learn to correct... to get myself back up when someone else is down.... and to help out whenever someone is troubled.... these are things I'll have to learn... give me some time... I'll do it...just have faith in me... if you guys have anything to comment on this... please tell me... I need an honest answer... as i just can't control myself.... haih...
Okay... lets leave that aside for now... and talk about the happenings... classes today were shortened by 15 minutes each... meaning overall classes end earlier... having such a tentative nature of feelings bring me to a standstill every time more than one person is involved... whenever i am in this situation.. my feelings get curled up... jumbled up... and spun around... an example would be like to choose between the 2 groups... after all this... I still ended up having to choose between 2 groups that are both very dear to me...problem is... when i move to one side... I get that feeling of confusion... what should i have done? what could i have done? what was the consequences of my actions?... and the answers were obvious.... What i have done is pulled my feelings from bad to worse... having to choose between the group I have been with all along and the group I wish to spend time with is deadly and it is deeply piercing the emotions...having not gone into a inescapable situation yet... I'm clueless... what should I have done? the 2 groups ended up going to AC together for the breakfast today....
Yet... it was the same grouping... Michelle will move with Ernest, Siew Yung, Masyitah, Rohit and gang... while the other will sit at the other end... okay fine... since many of you say its normal... I'll have no choice but to accept that... but... what about the very own me?... should I?.. or should I? or should I? I'm drawn into the pit of feelings and emotions which just cannot come together...having an incontrollable feelings system really doesn't help at all...in fact... it is the cause of the problem... I hope i can clarify this asap... I really don't know how long i can deal with this before all hell breaks loose... gah....
This something I've been wanting to say.... might be the end of it all... and might be the start of a new me... I don't know... will it be the right choice? will it eventually bring upon what i dreaded the most?... hopefully... just hopefully... and hopefully... things will run smooth... please do...please...(having to seal everything that is running through my mind is unimaginably tough.... and I find the easiest way to tell it is by writing it here... therefore... I sometimes utter things that makes completely no sense... but for me... it is what I feel.... and it is what i always fail to say to anyone... because i just can't bear to see that sadness and emotions run through anyone else.... let me take it... let me swallow it and keep it inside of me....when all hell breaks loose... hopefully... it won't be as disastrous as how I am thinking it would be... please...)
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